My very short but very enjoyable theatre career at Northeastern is over.
(Okay, well technically my entire career at Northeastern is over, but that's so overwhelming that if I try and think about it now my head is likely to explode all over my cubicle and really, no one wants to clean up that mess. But yeah, seriously, I'm done, kiddos. Five years, several nervous breakdowns, innumerable hangovers and $40,000 in student loans in a pear tree later, I'm about a week away from being a college graduate. Ack. More on that at a later date, I swear.)
But I just read this thing that my friend Molly posted, and it was so incredibly true and funny I just have to post it. If you have ever participated in any part of theatre you know exactly what this is talking about.
I doubt I will ever get the chance to be in theatre ever again as much as I have this year ... never say never, of course, but if this is infact it, it's been incredible. <3
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Eternity - The time that passes between a dropped cue and the next line
Prop - A hand-carried object small enough to be lost by an actor 30 seconds before it is needed on stage
Director - The individual who suffers from the delusion that he or she is responsible for every moment of brilliance cited by the critic in the local review
Blocking - The art of moving actors on the stage in such a manner as not to
collide with the walls, the furniture, the orchestra pit or each other. Similar to playing chess, except that the pawns want to argue with you.
Blocking Rehearsal - A rehearsal taking place early in the production schedule
where actors frantically write down movements which will be nowhere in evidence by opening night
Dress Rehearsal - Rehearsal that becomes a whole new ball game as actors attempt to maneuver among the 49 objects that the set designer added at 7:30 that evening.
Tech Week - The last week of rehearsal when everything that was supposed to be done weeks before finally comes together at the last minute; reaches its grand climax on dress rehearsal night when costumes rip, a dimmer pack catches fire and the director has a nervous breakdown. Also known as "hell" week.
Set - An obstacle course which, throughout the rehearsal period, defies the laws of physics by growing smaller week by week while continuing to occupy the same amount of space
Monologue - That bright, shining moment when all eyes are focused on a single actor who is desperately aware that if he forgets a line, no one can save him
Bit Part - An opportunity for the actor with the smallest role to count everybody else's lines and mention repeatedly that he or she has the smallest part in the show.
Dark Spot - An area of the stage which the lighting designer has inexplicably
forgotten to light, and which has a magnetic attraction for the first-time actor. A dark spot is never evident before opening night.
Stage Manager - Individual responsible for overseeing the crew, supervising the
set changes, baby-sitting the actors and putting the director in a hammerlock to keep him from killing the actor who just decided to turn his walk-on part into a major role by doing magic tricks while he serves the tea
Lighting Director - Individual who, from the only vantage point offering a full view of the stage, gives the stage manager a heart attack by announcing a play-by-play of everything that's going wrong
Makeup Kit - (1) Among experienced community theater actors, a battered tackle box loaded with at least 10 shades of greasepaint in various stages of desiccation, tubes of lipstick and blush, assorted pencils, bobby pins, braids of crepe hair, liquid latex, old programs, jewelry, break-a-leg greeting cards from past shows, brushes and a handful of half-melted cough drops. (2) For first-time male actors, a helpless look and anything they can borrow
The Forebrain - The part of an actors brain which contains lines, blocking and
characterization; activated by hot lights
The Hindbrain - The part of an actors brain that keeps up a running subtext in the background, while the forebrain is trying to act. The hindbrain supplies a constant stream of unwanted information. Such as who is sitting in the second row tonight, a notation to seriously maim the crew member who thought it would be funny to put real Tabasco sauce in the fake Bloody Marys, or the fact that you need to do laundry on Sunday.
Stage Crew - Group of individuals who spend their evenings coping with 50-minute stretches of total boredom interspersed with 30-second bursts of mindless panic
Message Play - Any play which its director describes as "worthwhile," "a challenge to actors and audience alike," or "designed to make the audience think." Critics will be impressed both by the daring material and the roomy accommodations, since they're likely to have the house all to themselves.
Bedroom Farce - Any play which requires various states of undress on stage and whose set sports a lot of doors. The lukewarm reviews, all of which feature the phrase "typical community theater fare" in the opening paragraph, are followed paradoxically by a frantic attempt to schedule more performances to accommodate the overflow crowds.
Assistant Director - Individual willing to undertake special projects that nobody else would take on a bet, such as working one-on-one with the brain-dead actor whom the rest of the cast has threatened to take out a contract on.
Set Piece - Any large piece of furniture which actors will resolutely use as a safety shield between themselves and the audience, in an apparent attempt to both anchor themselves to the floor, thereby avoiding floating off into space, and to keep the audience from seeing that they actually have legs
Strike - The time immediately following the last performance while all cast and crew members are required to stay and dismantle (or watch the two people who own Makita screw drivers) dismantle the set.
Actors (As defined by a set designer) - People who stand between the audience and the set designer's art, blocking the view. That's also the origin of the word "blocking," by the way
Stage Right, Stage Left - Two simple directions actors pretend not to understand in order to drive directors crazy. ("No, no, your OTHER stage right!")
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